


Self-Destruction

by notyouranswer (gorgeouschaos)



Category: Constantine (TV), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), Hellblazer & Related Fandoms
Genre: Addiction, And Attempts (Referenced), Character Study, Dark, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25045204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gorgeouschaos/pseuds/notyouranswer
Summary: Five things John Constantine is addicted to.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	Self-Destruction

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: everything in the tags. Discussion of various addictions; suicidal thoughts/ideation/attempts; canonical child abuse. Please feel free to ask if you'd like more information.  
> A/N: Thank you for reading, hope you like it, and I love kudos/comments!

He’s twelve the first time he takes a razor to his wrists. He’s fifteen the first time he puts out a cigarette on his own skin, making sure to grind it out over the scars his father's left on him. It’s a small revenge that means everything.

“Sliced and diced,” his father calls him, drunk and dismissive, and John smiles that night as he drags a pocket knife over his bicep.

He’s sixteen the first time he tries to overdose, nineteen when he tries to carve open the veins in his wrists. 

After he escapes the hospital Chas dragged him to, John gets ancient Chinese protection spells tattooed over the scars and pretends to himself that he won’t be reaching for the box cutter Chas didn’t find the next time he wakes up and can’t breathe.

John starts drinking young. Most people in his part of Liverpool do, but John takes to it easier than most. Alcohol is a layer between him and reality, a layer between him and his father, a layer between him and the burning layers of scars criss-crossing his forearms and ribs. 

Booze is a layer between John and everything that hurts. Soon enough, John can’t remember what it’s like without that layer there.

Sex is something that feels good, in a world where very little does. It’s enough of a high to get him through another day, enough of a human connection to make him feel less alone for a while. John uses sex as a substitute for any connection that could be risky and it works out well enough for everyone involved. 

And if it also helps John destroy his relationships, well. That’s just another benefit. 

John doesn’t like the smell of cigarettes. It reminds him of his father and one too many nights as an ashtray.

He likes the taste and feel of it, though, likes the inhale smoke-exhale calm of it. He likes how it makes his hands stop shaking, how it makes his lungs ache just enough that he remembers he’s alive, likes how it lets him think.

John likes smoking. He likes it enough that he thinks he’d do it even if it wasn’t killing him.

John is hooked on magic the moment he first casts a spell. It’s a small one, just enough to light his cigarette, but the rush it sent coursing through his veins is something he’ll be hooked on for the rest of his life. 

See, John knows full well that practicing magic is just his own destruction in slow motion. It might be prettier than the burns and the hangovers and the yellow fingertips, but it’s another slow suicide just the same. 

He’s not stupid enough not to realize that. 

It’s why he loves it so much. 


End file.
